by
Walter Brasch
With
more than a foot of snow, sleet, and ice falling over much of the nation, the television
news teams went into overdrive. This may be an accurate description of one of
those minute-by-minute broadcasts.
“I’m Harry Hansom. Co-anchor Polly Prattle
just called. Her car slid into a ditch about eight miles from the studio.
Fortunately, she had her roller-blades, and is skating furiously to get here so
she doesn’t lose a day’s pay. We begin our Team Weather Coverage with chief
meteorologist Hugh Miditty.”
“Based upon detailed computer analysis and
extensive satellite monitoring, available only through our exclusive Poplar
Eye-Witless Weather Watch System, we can report that the high temperature this
day was set way back in 2008. It was 50 degrees then. Wow! That’s real high.
The low was set in 1994 when the temperatures plummeted to a minus 8. But with
any luck, we’ll be able to break that low point today our tomorrow. The cause
of this record-breaker is an upper level atmospheric low-pressure system that
formed just east of Phoenix, traveled north to I-80, then cruised east where it
hit dead-center with another low-pressure system coming north from Spring
training in Florida. Or, maybe it began in New Jersey, and then ran a doughnut
of isobars around Pennsylvania. As you know, a lot of bad things begin in
Jersey. It’s also possible it began in Canada, because all bad weather begins
in Canada. Anyhow, before the storm leaves our area to drop two feet of hail on
Bermuda, we’ll have anywhere from five inches to three feet of snow and sleet.
Or, maybe, we’ll just have a foot or so of acid rain that’ll burn the paint off
every car in a hundred mile radius.”
“Thanks, Hugh, for a report that got real
deep. We continue our extended and comprehensive team coverage of the snow
emergency with Flake Sepulveda.”
“From high atop our All-News Roof, I can
tell you there’s a heap of snow out here. Let me fight the bruising wind and go
to the edge of the roof and take a closer look. It appears . . .”
“We’ve lost communication with the roof.
Let’s check traffic with Barry Blades in HeliCam 2.”
“It’s real white out here. I can’t see the
road, but it looks like I’m a little south of Manitoba, and up to my rear rotor
in snow. I’m also running out of fuel. Back to you, Harry.”
“For a ground-level view, we go LIVE to Susie
Sweetwater.”
“I’m standing in the middle of a large
parking lot. It seems to go on forever. The drivers have kept their motors
running, but for some reason they aren’t moving onto the interstates.”
“Susie, I believe you’re standing in the
middle of I-80. Have you seen any snow plows yet?”
“No, but that white stuff is all around me.
As you can see, only my Gucci snow hat is visible at the moment. If my dumb
cameraman hadn’t broken his leg trying to get 100 pounds of equipment out of
the all-weather WFAD News VW bug, we’d have even better pictures of nothing.”
“Thanks Susie. Now to Bob Covina, LIVE at the
headquarters of that place where all the equipment is. Bob, we understand there
are thousands of cars on the interstates, and crews are nowhere to be seen.”
“That’s right, Harry. It’s a matter of
safety. It’s dangerous for the workers to be out in this kind of weather,
especially when there’s all those cars, buses, and trucks they’d have to dodge
on the interstates.”
“Do you have any idea when the workers might
begin to clear the roads?”
“It’s past 8 p.m. now, so I guess when
Management comes to work around 9 or 10 tomorrow we’ll have a better idea.”
“Thanks, Bob. Now to our social issues
reporter, Gopher Galapagos. We understand there are a lot of homeless people
affected by this harsh cold, Gus.”
“That’s right. There are homeless people. I
think they’re cold.”
“Thanks, Gus, for that important story. We have
a special satellite link to the command center of the county’s Emergency
Management Agency, deep within the reinforced bunker of Mount Melmac. Ethel, you’ve
been EMA director 20 years, what’s your county doing to provide emergency
assistance?”
“Nothing yet, Harry. We weren’t told to do
anything, so we haven’t done anything. But, we’re all here in the command
center just waiting to answer telephones if anyone calls.”
“Thanks, Ethel, keep us posted on the fine
work you’ve been doing. In a warm Washington, D.C., office is our senior
political correspondent, Stan Sheboygan, with an exclusive interview.”
“Sen. Sludgepump, your reaction to freezing
cold and heaps of snow?”
“Well, son, ah guesses this should put to
rest all that lib’ral nonsense ‘bout global warming. Ah’d-a-rec’mend that Al
Gore get some long underwear, and then return that tin prize he got a few years
back for that nonsense he preached.”
“Tin prize?
. . . Oh, you must mean the Nobel
Prize.”
“Tin. Copper. Whatever. He oughtta return
it ’cuz he was wrong! Not just a li’l bitsy wrong, but real lib’ral wrong!”
“That was Sen. Sludgepump with his usual
fine political analysis. Back to the studio.”
“We have a breaking news bulletin. That’s
right. A breaking news bulletin. It’s exclusive on WFAD. Only on our station
can you get this exclusive! I’ve just been handed a message about our breaking
news bulletin. All electricity—I repeat ALL electricity—is out in a 50 mile
radius of our studio. But, you sit right there, and we at WFAD will continue to
bring you the latest news and weather. Now, LIVE on Second Street is Kiki
Vertigo who’s been interviewing residents about their response to the snow.”
“With me right now, EXCLUSIVELY on Second
Street, is resident Homer Bigeloo who has a snow shovel. Homer, what are you
doing?”
“I’m shoveling snow.”
“Have you been shoveling long?”
“I don’t like snow.”
“How long haven’t you liked snow?”
“A long time.”
“Thanks, Homer. I’m Kiki Vertigo, LIVE on
Second Street. Back to you, Harry.”
“Another great interview, Kiki. Right after
this message from Mendocino Frozen TV Dinners, we’ll be back with an
abbreviated ‘World in 60 Seconds’ edition, and special 15-second reports about
the nuclear war in the Middle East and the break-through discovery of a cure
for cancer.”
[Walter Brasch, a national award-winning
journalist and the author of 18 books, says cabin fever and watching TV
newscasts can warp a person’s mind. His latest book is Fracking
Pennsylvania, an in-depth investigation of the effects of fracking.]
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